Have you ever lamented your powerlessness to help another?
I have had several conversations recently with various people the gist of each being an earnest sadness for an inability to do something for someone else. Great or small, for stuff or action, offering money or attention, this all boils down to the same thing: sometimes we feel horrible that there isn’t more that we can offer our neighbors in need.
The most heart-wrenching conversation I had on this topic started out fairly innocuously as discussing time management. We were talking about various groups vying for our time, and she mentioned one of her several volunteer organizations moving a normal meeting time due to an event. She couldn’t make the new meeting time because of other commitments, but the group had already finalized it and expected everyone to be in attendance. The result was this intense feeling that she had to either be in two places at once or let people down. She didn’t know what to do, and she wept bitterly as she spoke about it.
Another discussion concerned helping a family who has gone through more than their fair share of trials and tribulations. Several people have been pitching in. One woman in particular has actively been helping them with a variety of tasks from driving to chores to things I know that I don’t even know about. She has repeatedly stepped in to help at every available opportunity. Then, when a certain opportunity presented itself for us to help this family, she sent an email saying that she feels “horrible” about her inability to help due to a precluding physical condition. Having her try to help with this particular thing would be comparable to asking a blind man to drive someone to the hospital, yet she felt horrible.
This – the feeling terrible for a limitation preventing giving more to others – happens frequently. I have had several conversations with variations on this same topic. I am not exaggerating when I say that every single time these particular people have been asked to give of themselves that they go above and beyond the call of duty to help people to the best of their abilities.
Even for those of us not up to this level of saintliness, we still give, and there are limits to what we can and can’t do. We can only give what we have to give, and it’s good to be good stewards of ourselves, mind, body, and soul. Taking care of ourselves isn’t greedy; taking care of ourselves allows us to better take care of others. At the same time, we are supposed to freely share our gifts with others. So how do we set proper boundaries?
I struggle with this myself sometimes, and I don’t always know where the line is drawn. However, I have worked out a few helpful guidelines to help give me an idea of when I should step up to the plate and when I should give someone else that opportunity to shine.
Do I Have That to Give?
This is a critical question. If a friend asks me for a million dollars, regardless of reason, I have to say no because I don’t have a million dollars. That’s a pretty simple and straightforward example, but the same reasoning applies to other giving as well. The response of, “I don’t have that to offer,” still applies if someone needs a house, a car, a Thursday-night driving service, or a homemade cake: I can’t offer any of them because I don’t have them.
Now, the counter is that I could obtain something to give away. That might be an option. You might say, “But you can bake a homemade cake.” Well, no, at the present, I don’t have that ability: no ingredients, no cake pan, and I doubt the ability of the oven here to properly bake any goods. As sad as it is, I consider this option foreclosed.
Time is subject to a more direct scrutiny. If you have a commitment and a request is made for a conflicting time slot, you don’t have that time to give. It’s like a budget: that time is already allocated elsewhere, and it cannot be recommitted.
Is it Mine to Give?
This is related to the above discussion, but it deserves its own section.
First, the obvious: you can’t give away something that doesn’t belong to you. It may belong to your best friend, your sibling, your parent, or your child, but if it doesn’t belong to you, it isn’t yours to give. Feel free to ask the owner to commit it to the cause, but it is not within your power to give it away.
There’s a verb for committing another’s resources: voluntell. (I didn’t make the term up, despite what spellcheck might tell you.) When I was in grade school, my mother would voluntell me for various activities without consulting me. I consistently protested on principle; additionally, I might have a scheduling conflict. Finally, when in town between college semesters, this became clear: I was voluntold to help with some activity that was taking place after my return to school out of state. Prepared for my protest, she explained how important it is to volunteer; instead of showing off my plumage, I nodded humbly and replied, “Okay, you pay for my plane tickets for me to be here that weekend and I’ll give them my Saturday afternoon.” Oh.
This applies to any resource. Money, for example, may not be yours to give even if it’s in your care. I had a discussion with someone who was explaining frustration at being able to give money to a certain cause. The cash she wanted to give was physically in her possession; however, it was committed elsewhere. She didn’t know what to do because she couldn’t say she didn’t have the money because she did. “Except you don’t,” I pointed out, because that money is already spent: that you physically have it doesn’t change that it has already been spent.
Analogies help me to wrap my head around certain concepts, so I’m including some. If a five-year-old child in your charge gave you their hard-earned $2 of allowance to buy a candy bar on their birthday while standing in line at the counter, it isn’t your $2 to spend on ice cream or give to the person behind you in line. Similarly, purchasing groceries on a credit card and then giving away the payment money earmarked for it is giving away money that is owed to the company fronting your grocery expense. Closer to the above incident, it’s promising to give someone money for food and then giving it to another cause because you ran into a spokesperson for that cause as you were leaving the bank.
In any of the above situations, that money already has a specific destination, is already spoken for, and is no longer available to be given away. In other words, it isn’t yours to offer.
How Much of a Strain Will This Cause?
So, you have a resource that is yours to offer. If you give it, how will it impact you and your loved ones?
This is a squishy question. The earlier questions have clear yes/no answers, but this one requires more detail. This question requires more of an analysis of the cost – both to you and those who rely on you. Just because you can volunteer for that event doesn’t mean you should: it might overly drain your resources, preventing you from being your best self in other capacities.
For example, a friend asks you to handle the ticket sales on Saturday evening for a gala supporting a group you have been helping for years. The people are great, the cause is something you’re passionate about, and you want to be involved. The hitch? You have a massive deadline at work on Friday at 11:59 pm, you have spent the last three weeks pulling sixteen-hour days trying to meet it, you really need to check on your bills and budget before next week, and your mother has been asking you to dinner for a month. In this scenario, even though that time is available and yours to give, you might need that day to recover.
There are a number of variables to take into account. What roles do you play? Who are you to the people you care most about? Are you breadwinner, parent, spouse, and caretaker of a parent? What do you need to both retain your sanity and be the person your loved ones need you to be? Whom do you need you to be? Whom do others need you to be?
Again, this is the squishy question. It bears asking, and it bears pointing out that it won’t be a simple, clean answer like the other ones. The answer to this question may be that helping in that way will have ripple effects causing you to be agitated for the rest of the week and therefore is not something you can offer. Nobody else has to understand your reasons. Your decisions are on you because only you know all of the parameters you are working with.
I had a confrontation of this sort a few years ago. Some changes were made with an organization I had been volunteering with for several years, and there was a time shift for one of the weekly commitments. It seemed minor to most, but this change resulted in serious negative changes that lasted throughout my week: instead of my normal peppy self, I became frustrated and even angry at little things. I stuck it out for a year, expecting it to change again. It didn’t. I voiced my concerns to the person in charge who promptly waved it off and told me to get over it. But I couldn’t, and I couldn’t adequately convey the problem for him to understand. After several pleas were disregarded, I respectfully reported that I would no longer be participating. That was dreadful; however, I regained my proper headspace. Also, because of how I handled it, I retained a great working relationship with the other members of the group and have been welcomed to participate in other ways.
Give Without Depleting
We are called to assist others, but we need to do so in a way that does not leave us unable to care for ourselves or our loved ones. How do you help the people around you? What tips do you have for setting boundaries to enable yourself to help others?
Further Reading
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life offers insight on the topic, and a workbook is available to help navigate the process. Other titles are offered specifically for setting boundaries with kids, teens, dating, marriage, and leadership.
- Healthline offers an article on Protecting Your Emotional Space which is well worth the read.
