Going With(out) Destination

I’m (seemingly perpetually) at a crossroads: I want things that (seem to) conflict. This issue reached a local climax recently – I want this which is only possible if I stay here, but I also want that which I need to relocate for. The tug of war was rather rough, but I planned (and scheduled and worked) as though the this was going to work out, most of my efforts going toward this while I siphoned off trickles for the exceptionally exciting that I put off because of the this.

Today, I got an email all but eliminating this as an option: affirmatively no offer on the job I applied for locally.

Unlike several other “no”s I’ve gotten, I wasn’t crushed. Disheartened, sure, but simultaneously reinvigorated. It was quite an odd experience. I wanted the position – it worked out perfectly with so many long-term plans I’d planned – but there was a feeling of relief that came with that email. Why?

Because I’ve been praying wholeheartedly for God’s guidance. The this and that situation had me deeply frustrated, torn to the point of raw, gross tears. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I asked God for direction, and I specifically asked Him to quickly close the doors better for me to pass over than enter. Part of me knew what I was asking for, and that’s the part that felt relief when I received the news.

I even said “thank you,” despite the pain.

Then, I got up to seek a friend (it still hurt) and leave for an event. I tossed on my coat… and realized I didn’t know where I was going. (The event rotates locations.) Though my heart was hopeful, my head was still grieving, so I didn’t think to check until I was on my way out the door. Next! (Even writing this, I have a headache. Pull… on… happy… face…)

So, now I’m a little late. I’m also a mixture of injured, relieved, light-headed, hopeful, and rejuvenated. Most importantly, I now know where I’m going.